If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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