I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
