I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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