She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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