Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
