i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
