Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
