does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
