my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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