you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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