It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
