Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
