I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
