omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
