Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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