This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
