Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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