its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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