they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
