I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
