i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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