I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
