I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
