in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He passed out mid-signature
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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