Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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