I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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