Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
