I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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