mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
