I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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