omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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