Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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