Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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