Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
