I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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