it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
