easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I smell like Dick and happiness
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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