I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
