It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
