She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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