I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
