I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
