Pants 0. Shit 1.
Say something about gay babies.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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