Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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