Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
