she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
