How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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