glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
