Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
