I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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