You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
