Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
