I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just tell him i said nine months
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
